I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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