Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
