My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
