I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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