he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
