One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
