I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
