Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Randomize
