i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
