yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
