I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
