Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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