3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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