my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
