Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize