I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
