I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
