I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
