I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
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