Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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