There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
