Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
