just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
