someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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