You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Boobs speak an international language.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
