she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
