Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Sext me about skeletons
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?