he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty