I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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