I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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