the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm