Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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