I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
