i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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