my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize