I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
