Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
