college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
