I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
