after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
