my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
