Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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