you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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