did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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