my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
