So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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