just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
