Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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