the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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