I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
