Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
