Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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