R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My underwear smells like fireworks.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
