I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
