just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
