i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
