Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
